M O T H E R' S D A Y F A I L

I   S I T  H E R E  in my hospital bed,  IV in tow.  Sporting fever, chills and hooked up to more devices/machines I knew existed...it's mother's day.

Spending mother's day in the hospital certainly isn't on the top of my mother's day bucket list!
But yet here I sit...

It all started 10 days ago. I was getting things prepared for my daughter's annual spring concert. Since I host part of the event, I had tons of food to load into my car, decor ect.

I stood up to get things ready to go...and I felt like I hah just peed my pants!  Confused, I looked down and my entire khaki shorts were covered in blood. Bewildered I sort of ran upstairs laughing to myself. Albeit nervous laughter, I just found the situation rather random.

I got myself all cleaned up and went to the concert. 'The Show Must Prevail' I told myself. At the concert I felt fine. A little light headed, but nothing I couldn't push through.

When I got home it sort of hit me that something was W R O N G  and that I should be checked out.  Apparently my earlier episode wasn't enough of cause for concern...lol

At about 11 pm, I bit the bullet and went to emergency. The triage nurse asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed 'ofcourse not'. That was not possible. I had just had my menstrual cycle.  When she had found out I had had an ectopic in past she made sure I was sent through much faster... hospital fast...still equated to S L O W

Hours later the Dr walks in blood tests in hand.  'So you are concerned that this is an ectopic pregnancy' he asks.  Confused I replied 'no, I am not sure why I am bleeding'. He replies 'but you know you are pregnant right?'

Let's just pause there... PREGNANT...who?  My sweet friend that came with me looked at me with a 'mmmmh girrrllll I told you so' look. 😂 Gotta love people that can lighten the mood in these kind of situations.  My mind went into a state of shock. My hcg levels were high enough for a 6 -7 week baby. This would mean I had my menstrual cylce possibly twice since being preggo. Again my body just defies all O D D S!

I sat in disbelief.  It wasn't until the Ultrasound tech showed my little baby it really hit home. He checked for a heart beat... nothing....sigh...


My heart was numb. How could I be losing someone I never knew I had!? How do you reconcile that. Everything felt surreal.

They ended up sending me home with a follow up appointment a few days later. At that appointment they gave me some pills to  actually pass the baby.  My body is truly a fickle thing. Something just told me my body wasn't going to respond to these drugs but I did take them anyway.

I continued to feel weak and tired as the days progressed. On Wednesday I slept the entire day. I woke up to a lot of bleeding. The rest is too graphic for a blog. But if you ever meet someone who went through a miscarriage please be understanding. It is quite a scary, graphic, nightmare of a situation.

After losing much blood a few days later I felt fine. It was a Friday. I was up and about. Cleaning my house, getting some mother's day gifts together. I felt like the storm had passed.

 My hubby and I went to fellowship that night at our Pastors house. Other than feeling tired, I was ok!

When I got home on the other hand, then started downward spiral of emotions. That was to be expected. I cried myself to sleep that night. Not sure what I was specifically crying for. Nothing... everything. The tears couldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. My husband rubbed my back and we lay there in silence.

Saturday I woke up feeling alright. Not as good as Friday, but decent enough. I had been invited to a ladies breakfast so I went to attend that. During the breakfast I felt disengaged. Almost like I wasn't really there. I left a bit early. My eyes were burning. I just wanted to sleep.

When I got home, I laid down on my couch. I slept for about 3hrs. I woke up feeling very hot and faint. I yoyo'd between too hot and too cold for hours.  By night fall I felt like I was in a state of deleriam.

It was time to go back to the hospital. Even though my bleeding wasn't too bad, I knew I was suffering from an infection.  I quickly got dressed and called a cab to take me to the hospital.

I went down stairs to get my shoes on and then I heard a big bang. Everything went kind of fuzzy. I remember my husband standing over me asking if I was ok.

All that ran through my mind was 'finally I felt cool'. The cool hard wood floors felt  good on my skin.  My hubby called the ambulance and the rest was sort of a blur.

They ask you a plethora of questions, hook you up to a ton of machines. It's quite something.
By the time I got the hospital they ushered me to the 'fast track' waiting based on my case.
Fast track at the hospital....is still S L O W

My results came in. I was still retaining fetal tissue which was causing an infection in my body causing  high fever and chills. I would have to get an emergency D&C to remove  fetal tissue.

The idea of being put to sleep and going into an operating room again was a bit terrifying for me.
Not that I had a bad experience last time, but it's that fear of the unknown.

They admitted me to the hospital and I got my procedure done at 2pm on Mother's day.

At that moment everything started sinking in. I was losing my baby, it was mother's day, I wasn't with my kids, I didn't get to help out with the mothers day celebration at church, I was alone.  My hubby was of course in the waiting area, but he wasn't allowed in the Operating room.

I kept telling myself to just keep it together. Deep breaths Victoria.  My surgeon came to explain what was going to happen. The surgery would be no more than 10 minutes. I would be completely asleep.

When they wheeled me into the operating room my eyes filled with tears. Remembering my ectopic pregnancy and the baby I lost then, I was overcome with emotion.

They put an oxygen mask on my face, telling me to breathe deeply. Kind of hard to do when you are crying.  The medical staff was so kind and supporting. They held my hands and shoulders and just told me it was going to be ok and before I knew it was asleep!  Woohoo!  That's the best part. The sleep. I must have been asleep for 30 minutes max but it felt like days.

When I woke up my fever was up to it's highest point. The nurses put me on oxygen and did everything they could to bring my fever down.

By the grace of God it came back down to a safer temperature. Still a fever but not alarming.  They called hubby to come see me. Seeing his face in the hospital was comforting.  He's not the super worried, affectionate type. But his strong, faithful presence helped me relax. I felt safe.

They kept me another night. I was still battling the infection and getting fevers and chills. My church family all prayed for me and literally as they prayed, my fever left me. My husband came after church with my kids to see me and I said 'my fever just left'. He told me how they/you all prayed for me.  God truly answers prayer.

As I come to the end of  what feels like a very long  month, I have learned so many lessons. God had made himself very real and truly is my all in all.

My walk in Christianity hasn't been the easiest. Especially since becoming a pastors wife. It seems like the most rare things would always happen to me. Or something with my kiddos.

Before I had my hemorrhage I had decided I wanted to commit myself more to corporate prayer. I would find a special place to sit in church and just really contend for my church and family. I believe the Devil hears those prayers and would stop at nothing to cease them.

Anytime I have ever been attacked it's in the midst of good things happening in church, or personal contending in my own life. I will admit that at times I want to draw back. Say 'fine you win'. Because the reality is going through these ordeals isn't easy. Thankfully, Jesus always makes himself real to me. Gives me strength and hope. I  A M  A B L E to crack jokes and laugh in the midst of chaos.

If you have ever gone through a miscarriage, I feel your pain and understand the hardship. The emotional toll and the physical toll it takes on your body is unbelievable.  I pray you get all the support you need and accept help from others.


I share this because we live in a perfectly edited generation.  It all looks good on the surface, but beneath, we all have our battles, hardship & struggles! You are not alone!