Losing Isreal

There are moments in life that can define us. Whether for good or for bad. They shape the people we become. They make us stronger, more resiliant.  They cause us to fight when we don't want to fight. And hold on to Jesus for dear life!  It's been a while since I shared an entry from my personal life. I share this because I know many women battle the very thing I am about to talk about! Though it has taken me years to muster the courage to share this via blog,  I hope it can encourage or help someone out there.

Summer of 2014 was a summer I will never forget!  It was filled with much joy and sorrow!
I had come back from a conference and was feeling 'off'. When I feel 'off' it can only mean one thing!  I was PREGNANT!

I took numerous tests. They kept coming back negative. Finally after about 3 days a test came back positive with a very faint line!  Hurray!  I didn't think anything of the faint line. I was just happy to finally see a positive test!

I was overjoyed at the idea of having another baby. That evening I shared the great news with my husband!  I went to sleep with the biggest smile on my face! I was going to have another baby!

About 6 weeks into my pregnancy I woke up with a very sharp pain on my left side. The pain was so strong it literally jolted me out of bed and on my knees. All at once I was hot, dizzy and feeling like I was ready to pass out. I crawled to my washroom to splash some water on my face and went back to bed.

The pain subsided. I woke up and it was a Sunday. It was our church anniversary. Excited about that, I forgot about my little episode that night and went off to church. During the sermon that sharp pain came back. Immediately I knew what was happening!   The pain left as quick as it came and I tried to just focus on the sermon.

I decided to make an appointment with my doctor first thing Monday morning to discuss my concerns. I told her about the sharp pains that go and come. I shared with her my concerns and she assured me that it probably wasn't what I was thinking. What I was thinking, would be far more painful, and the fact I wasn't bleeding was a very good sign.

With my doctors blessing I left her office with newfound hope. That entire day I felt great. Was even starting to feel tired more than usual, which confirmed my pregnancy was moving along the way it should.

As the week progressed the pains continued. My husband suggested maybe I needed to eat more for breakfast.  That perhaps just my usual morning smoothie wasn't going to cut it. So I tried that. To no avail.  I continued to feel even more tired. I would wake up exhausted.

I just kept  reassuring myself everything is fine. You are not bleeding. These are just pregnancy symptoms.

One of the days I spent the entire day out and about. When I got home I fell on my bed exhausted. I had never felt so tired in my entire life. I told my daughter's, I was soooo tired so we would have a pizza and movie night to make up for it. During the movie I had a sinking feeling that something really was not right.

As the evening progressed I was began feeling ill, feverish and weak. These symptoms would give me hope that I was indeed still pregnant. The pain however began to intensify. 

I would constantly go to the washroom and check for blood. Relief would fill my heart after every bathroom trip. 'No blood, baby's ok' I would tell myself.  I decided to try and sleep it off.  The pain was so unbereable I couldn't sleep. I wanted to take a pain killer so badly, but because I was pregnant I didn't want to take medication. That decision would save my life.

At about 2 am I couldn't take the pain anymore. I tried to get out of bed but I was too weak to move. I crawled to my bathroom and began vommitting, "night sickness" I thought.  I smiled through the pain. I went to check for blood one more time and there was a tiny spot. 

Immediately my worst fears, what my inner gut had been telling me all week was about to come true. I was not just having a miscarriage, I was having an ectopic pregnancy. This is when the baby gets stuck in you fallopian tube.  They continue to grow and your tube basically ruptures inside you.

I slowly crawled back to my bedroom and told my husband to call 911. He sort of looked at me dumfounded'. I told him to tell them 'she is having and ectopic pregnancy'.  I don't think he even knew what that was!

When the EMS arrived they weren't the most friendly. They tried to make me walk when I told them I couldn't. They had this  'snap' me out of my pain attitude. They assured me I was probably miscarrying, but not an ectopic pregnancy. Those are very rare and I would be in way more pain.

I have a very high tolerance for pain. I explained that but it fell on deaf ears. The took me to the nearest hospital and I left my husband and kids at home. 

When I arrived at the hospital the service was not any better. I was left on a bed for hours. I grew weaker and weaker. The pain became unimaginable. I couldn't articulate it. I was too weak to talk. No pain medication was offered. I just lay there alone.

Finally they took me to get an ultrasound.  Not the normal ultrasound, a pelvic one(how wonderful this is going to be I thought). For the first time I actually screamed out in pain. The look on the technicians face was like she had seen a ghost. She quickly called another nurse in to confirm her findings. Her face as well went pale. They looked at me in horror!

I remember looking at them saying 'it's an ectopic isn't it?'
I can't remember if they replied. Everything after that was a blur.  All of a sudden I was being raced into another room. Doctors and nurses surrounded me like in the movies. One nurse said' why weren't you in more pain? How were you laying here for all these hours'.

I had no response. I began to get very cold. It felt like life was slipping away. At that moment my Dad showed up. I felt bad for him to see his daughter in the midst of all the chaos. The surgeon came in to greet me.  She took one look at me  and yelled' this lady needs a blood transfusion now'.  Blood transfusion?  What the heck was going on?

She calmly explained to me that I was bleeding internally. She said that if I don't get the transfusion before she does the surgery I will not make it through the surgery. I was lucky I had not taken a pain medication and fell asleep because, I basically would have bled to death with the amount of blood I was losing.

The process of dying is a very calming experience. I remember feeling so peaceful. I kind of found it funny that they were all hysterical now. Where was that a few hours ago? I kept thinking 'I told you guys I was having an etopic.'  

My husband arrived just before they took me into surgery. I remember looking up at him saying 'i feel like I am dying'.   What a thing to say?  But it was true. He reassured me I would be ok. Things had certainly escalated quickly since he last saw me.

As they pushed me away to the OR, I remember praying to God. They put the mask over my face and I enhaled what felt like would be my last breath. My body was cold, and very limp. It was awful.

I woke up...groggy in a room with other fellow post op patients. The nurses looked so happy to see me awake. Apparently I had lost over 2 litres of blood. There was so much blood they weren't even able to find my baby in the midst.
For some reason that gave me comfort.
Like Jesus has taken my little one.

Recovering from my surgery was quick. But recovering from the pain of losing a child wasn't. Since there was so much emphasis on almost losing my life, for the first little bit the loss of the baby wasn't even the focus.

People  would say 'thank God you are still with us'. But for me I felt a deep sense of loss. Someone wasn't with me! 

I remember a few days into my recovery getting up from my bed and opening my drawer. In it had my pregnancy test. It was blank. I started bawling my eyes out because every day for the past 6 weeks it has said positive and that positive had just disappeared. The reality of the loss was very real for me at that moment.

I named my baby Isreal. I have a strong feeling he was a Boy. I look forward to meeting him in heaven one day. I can't ever explain how much it hurts to lose a child. A piece of your heart is torn out for good. Nothing can ever replace it. But that comfort of knowing he got to skip the pain of this world and be with Jesus brings me comfort.

Hard things happen in life. None of us are exempt. This situation truly made me a stronger woman. Drew me closer to God in a way I had never experienced.

Now I look back through the situation and can see God's hand. God's hand is always over your life. Even through the hardest of trials!  There is a scripture that says 'God is close to the broken hearted and saved those crushed in spirit'. Words can't express how true that verse is.

Days later I found myself in church, playing piano, singing, worshipping God. Jesus was the lifter of my head. I have been through many hard things in this life, but  in this situation in particular I felt like Jesus picked me up and carried me through the trial!  That's the amazing God we serve!  Hope this can encourage someone!  Xoxo